1. "Dumping on" the
other parent verbally, in writing, in emails, through third persons, etc., is
hardly ever constructive. It can be very damaging when done in the
presence of the child who is involved in the litigation. Not only can it
skew the child's perception of both parents, but it can, and often does, have
the opposite of the intended effect. I often ask clients in these sorts
of proceedings how they would have felt if they had heard this kind of thing
from their own parents.
2. Drugs and drinking. I
don't know why, but it seems to me that excessive use of alcohol and drugs
(both "legal" and "illegal") is becoming and more of a
problem in custody cases. There is no
excuse for a parent who is seeking custody of a child, or more parenting time,
to engage in irresponsible use of substances, whether or not they are
"legal" ones. If a person really expects to win more
"rights" with regard to his or her child, it is axiomatic that that
person should exercise substantial responsibility.
3. How involved should the
parent be in the child's everyday life? People who are seeking the role
of caregiver of children need to be quite involved with the children in most
respects. This involves school, going to the doctor and dentist, transportation,
nutrition, etc. For a parent to say that she or he doesn't even know the
name of the child's teacher or coach is often indicative of a less than
responsible relationship between the parent and child. It is important
for a parent to prove to a court's satisfaction that he or she is fully engaged
in the life of the child.
4. Why should "I" as
a parent have to communicate with my ex-spouse? Why can't I just let the child
arrange for parenting time? It is amazing how many times I have heard these
questions and questions like them. It is a veritable "catch 22"
for the child. If parents cannot even get along enough to be able to
arrange plans for sporting events, turnover times, etc., what does this teach
the child about how she should deal with her children's other parent in the
future? Beyond that, though, how secure would a typical child feel if
continually placed in between her parents? It simply is not fair to the child
to be put in a position of dealing with difficult arrangements that her adult
parents are not even capable of working through! If parents are not able to communicate with
each other on these matters, it may be appropriate for them to consider
counseling, and even to seek the aid of a court to order counseling.
5. What should people do when
they have questions about child custody? One of the first things I think
people should do in most of those instances is make an appointment with a
lawyer to consider the questions. While the Child Support Enforcement
Agency, the Children Services folks, school authorities, and others may be able
to provide some help, none of those sorts of entities is an appropriate source
of legal advice for moms and dads who are engaged in these sorts of problems.
Even if one or more of these agencies may be involved, it is still
important for parents to understand their rights and obligations, so it is often
wise to consult with counsel in such matters.
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